Celestial Cafe Apology

Jeremy,

Since I’ve been off work I’ve taken to reflecting on my life. Of course this was not by choice. Mom thinks it wouldn’t have happened any other way and I would agree. I was content to go along with things the way they were thinking everything was fine. You mentioned in one of your responses you could imagine the difficulties associated with my heart attack and loss of work would be significant. For whatever reason, the heart attack not so much but the job loss has/is a huge trial for me. I guess it all depended on where my hidden securities lie; unbeknownst to me.

While I’ve been provided ample time to obtain alternative employment and I know Jesus will take care of us as he has for the last 60 years, there still remains this constant battle to maintain perspective. My first reaction was a bit frantic thinking I have to find another job quickly but I’ve seen that it was motivated by fear. I now think this situation was arranged by Jesus to clean my house so to speak. He wants my security to be in him, not this world or my job. I know how Paul describes discipline and that it is a very good thing for a number of reasons, but until it all resolves my soul is pretty shaken.

So in one of my more dire moments I googled irrational fear.  As it seemed to be irrational to me. I found this link written by a ministers wife, Rebecca Barlow Jordan, listing 5 ways for handle irrational fear.

http://www.crosswalk.com/faith/spiritual-life/five-ways-to-handle-irrational-fear.html

The first one spoke to me: 1. Cry Out to Jesus. Something I hadn’t done although I had prayed. So I did and it really helped. It wasn’t that difficult since I was pretty emotionally desperate at the time. I have done it a few times since and each time there is a comforting that significantly drops my stress level. It was just expressing how I really felt which I realize my prayers had not done. Telling him how scared I was and lost and that I needed his help. Also, during these moments, there was some illumination about my fears and my misplaced security and a reconnecting to him. In thankfulness I emailed Rebecca and thanked her for her blog and told her what had happened and how much it had helped. She emailed back thanking me for my email.

I have also been blessed through a song appropriately called ‘Blessings’ by Laura Story. The situation that gave rise to her writing this song really spoke to me and her interpretation of it is amazing. I heard it on Pandora then googled it. I found a bunch of YouTube videos of her testifying about her situation and also read some of what she’d written about her situation. Basically her husband got a brain tumor which she asked to be healed. It didn’t happen and she struggled with why not. In the end, and partly from a suggestion from her sister, she looked at the struggle she was having as the blessing. And that is what really spoke to me in my struggle.

While both of these people provided comfort and blessings the struggle continues. I guess it takes time for my soul to adjust to 20 years of affirmation that is now missing. I know Jesus loves me and always has but I see I’ve been quietly relying on other sources without really knowing it. I know discipline is a very good thing and means I’m being treated as a son. I hang onto that as it works it’s way through my soul.

So the point of this post is that I recently thought that I would reread our blog, Celestial Cafe, and see how it sits with me after this change had partly worked it’s way through me. It took a few days. :o) I was actually quite impressed with the depth and detail that we got into. Really difficult and important questions, extensive research and really not holding much back. Even back then I knew and said that there was no one that would discuss these issues and I appreciated the dialogue. I could clearly see you were trying to understand my positions. On the other hand, I’m not sure I was making the same effort.

I want to apologize for some of what I said in my posts. It appears quite clear to me that there is a general tone of assuredness that lacks humility. A false assuredness if you will which sometimes showed a harshness and lack of empathy that I am very appreciative my Lord does not show towards me. While there is some truth in the voluminous writings, mainly in descriptions of direct experiences I’ve had, this underlying attitude taints much of what I say. There are a number of statements that I wish I’d never made and lots of areas that I spouted about unnecessarily not adding to the purpose of the discussion. All signs of the underlying attitude. So again, I apologize and ask for your forgiveness.

I wanted to add that in your Dec 2007 post called ‘Material vs Spiritual’ you make some quality points about the an interconnectedness between what happens on earth and ramifications in the spiritual realm. It makes a lot of sense and your examples are totally valid. I know I had given church ceremonies and the like short shrift, but I won’t anymore. I’m aware of many statements that corroborate your viewpoint where what happens on earth is kind of mirrored in heaven. Something to be held in awe and reverence.

There is definitely an anti church bias in my viewpoint. I was studying to become a minister so was kind of immersed in the church and it’s culture. Nevertheless it misses considering the people who come to those very same churches looking for solace, comfort and a word of encouragement from their brothers and sisters in Christ. Something I very much wanted to be part of when I began my walk with Jesus. I can see you ran into that frequently and rightly defended the validity of the church regardless of the position of it’s leadership.

It now appears to me that I know so very little. The universe is mind boggling and the spiritual realities that made it all come to be, incomprehensible. Definitely see in a glass dimly. I did think that before but without the false security, the ante’s been upped. God bless your family and yourself. I will pray for you and your family as who knows the impact it will have in the earthy and heavenly arena. :o)

Dad